Forget who you think you should be
Act as you are
I am sitting on my deck literally questioning what I am doing.
I’m searching for peace of mind that I’ve lost
Reliving the let downs that plagued my freshman year
I just don’t understand.
It’s an emptiness that can’t be solved. No drink, no substance, can fill void
When did this void happened? I didn’t just wake up and notice this disconnect between my expectations versus my reality. It’s as stark at the one seen in 500 Days of Summer.
It had to start somewhere, and on a small scale.
With every failure, the fissure deepened and widened; alone on one side, my desires and hopes on the other side in a self designed paradise that was so far for me to reach.
People have came along and tried to help, but I relapse back into the same state.
My question: how do you change a learned behavior?
My answer: Who the hell knows.
I’m so restless because all I’m thinking about is you. Your touch. Your love. Every piece of you comes crashing behind my eyelids as I try to sleep.
In February, you gave me the ultimatum that if I didn’t step up and decide how I feel, you would leave. Had I known what I know now at that point, I would have let you leave; because you left me anyways.
I cared for you and you completely brushed me off. You’ve ignored me, stood me up, and I can’t do this dance anymore.
I very much want a relationship with someone who cares about me and wants to journey with me.
You just want me because I’ll have sex with you and tell you all the things you’d like to hear.
You’ve given my physical comfort, but it only hurts in the end because I pretend I don’t want more from you.
I can’t do it anymore.
But please don’t mistake my leaving as an act that I dislike you; I very much like you but I need someone who needs me the same amount. Someone who I can give to and will give back to me.
Maybe one day you will understand and we will work out. But right now, that maybe doesn’t exist; and this dance that we’ve done for almost three year, is coming close to an end.
I am at peace with the idea that I’ll have a relationship untainted with your thoughts and presence. It’ll be healthier that way. For both of us.
I’m just dreading the day I actually tell you this and end everything. We already don’t talk, but knowing it will be over will be the same pain I’ve felt every time we get involved and you hurt me (or I set myself up to be hurt)
Beyond that, I’ll figure out the words to say and maybe you’ll see through my eyes what I’ve gone through. And maybe you’ll be ready to be with me again, full heartedly.
But we come back to maybe, and maybe can’t exist in my world. It’s too poisonous for me and will stop me from pursuing relationships that might benefit me.
No matter what I will always love you, but this love is killing me, and tearing me apart.. Piece by piece.